The radical notion of happiness
by Caprica Janeway
Summary: After the events of 'Acting Out', Sharon considers the advice of a treasured aunt and the promise in an unopened letter. (character piece for Sharon with reference to the Sharon/Andy pairing, and a little of Rusty as well).


**A/N:** A note of thanks to all of you who have recently followed, favourited and commented on my recent stories. I do try and thank you all individually, but I know that not everyone has an account here. Every gesture means a lot to me and I appreciate all the encouragement :)

* * *

><p>Nobody returns from enlightenment without a little baggage.<p>

It was something her aunt would say. She knew that awareness could bring it's own heartache as much as it could offer an awakening. That the act of discovery always required a reaction - a choice, and now it was her turn to consider her options.

The Christmas tree had been purchased early this year. Rusty of all people seemed to have caught Sharon's enthusiasm from the previous year and had brought it upon himself to make the arrangement. By the time she got back from work he had the tree set up and was moving through the apartment carrying boxes of decorations.

As her keys hit the dish he spun around and smiled a little too enthusiastically in her direction.

"Rusty, what's going on here? I thought you wanted to wait for Ricky and Emily to get here before putting up the rest of the decorations."

Rusty opened one of the smaller boxes and reaching in he pulled out a small angel figurine wearing an ornate white dress and gold wings.

"Look I found Martha," he said, as he placed the trinket in her hand.

"...I think she needs to come out early this year."

Sharon looked over her favourite angel. She touched the hem of Martha's dress and straightened her long dark hair. Martha was her oldest angel, she'd been part of her Christmas decorations since before her children had been born. In fact, Martha was the first Christmas decoration she had bought when she moved out of home. Even before she bought her first Christmas tree she had seen the delightful little angel staring back at her from the display cabinet, and she couldn't resist the purchase. Martha was the vision of her aunt, pristine and wholesome but with the slightest twinkle in her eye that suggested a woman who knew differently.

"Is there something I should know?" She asked.

"No, it's just that you've been quieter than usual. You seemed to enjoy The Nutcracker and Nicole's kids adored you, but..."

Sharon sighed softly and tucked in her bottom lip.

"You don't need to be concerned Rusty, I just have a lot on my mind. I'm still getting my head around the idea that you were all under the impression that I've been dating Andy this whole time."

"Yeah, I guess I was a little over eager there. I just wanted Nicole to understand that there was a little more to it than a misunderstanding. It's just that you've always helped me figure things out I have been oblivious to so I thought I'd return the favour. You're not mad at me are you?"

Sharon put the angel down on the side table and took in the room around her.

Three years ago her apartment had felt so large, so immense that she had considered rearranging the furniture or perhaps redecorating altogether. The space sometimes felt overwhelming and it only felt a little more like home when her children visited. It was not that she was lonely, she had friends she socialised with, and she would regularly call and meet up with her children when she could, but her environment only reflected her own habits and mannerisms.

Before Rusty came into her life she never found cutlery in the same draw as the egg beater, or small scuff marks on her coffee table from shoes that were never meant to sit there. She'd also never had someone pick up groceries when she got too busy, or get the meat out of the freezer at lunchtime because she had forgotten to do it earlier.

She didn't need the little changes he brought with him, but knowing her life before and experiencing the present she knew they had a place, and that she wanted what that change brought.

"I'm not mad at you Rusty. I know what you were trying to do. We were all trying to explain the situation as best we could - I guess I just felt a little embarrassed more than anything. I'm not comfortable talking about that part of my life."

"Is it because of Jack?"

Sharon walked over to the couch and sat down, with Rusty following suit sitting across from her in the orange swivel chair he often favoured.

"Partly. I've never discussed my feelings about Jack with my children, it never felt right and I didn't want to burden them. So I guess the idea of discussing any _potential_ relationship, with any of my children seemed out of the question as well."

"Not discussing Jack with Ricky and Emily is one thing. I mean it is their Dad so that would be super awkward, but Andy isn't my father so you don't need to worry about making me feel awkward. I mean it's not like you would tell me about any potential kissing or other things I really don't need to know about. I can hear about anything else, just not that."

Sharon pressed her lips together trying to suppress her laughter at Rusty's sweet attempt to be her confidant.

"He makes me happy. Even when he's a bit of an idiot, he makes me happy. I'm not completely oblivious to what is going on. Every now and then I think 'oh dear I better not smile too much or look too closely'. I don't want to be lost in someone, I just want to keep that happy, ridiculous friendship born out of…I'm not even sure what to be honest…"

"But? I sense a but here."

"There is a possibility that I do want something more with him, and now it's out there, and like it or not I'm going to have to confront it."

"And you've talked to him since last night?"

"Briefly. It was kind of awkward but sweet actually, he wrote me a letter."

"A letter?"

"Yeah."

* * *

><p><em>He knocked on her door. Not with any real insistence, it was barely even an knock and she probably wouldn't have heard it had the office not been so deathly quiet. She knew it was him, she heard the few footsteps he had to walk from his desk to her door. They had been doing paper work from their previous case, each at their separate desks, only interacting as need be. It wasn't that she was being cold to him, in any case she was actually trying to make him feel less awkward as if nothing had changed between them.<em>

_"Sharon, ah Captain, can I come in?"_

_He was hesitating, she knew he wanted to talk about this. The obvious drop of her first name then quickly reverting to her title was very much his particular brand of awkwardness._

_"Come in."_

_He came in and closed the door behind him. He stepped behind the chair wondering whether he should attempt to sit down or if she would jump the gun and stand up before he had a chance._

_"Sit down Andy. How's the paper work going?"_

_His shoulders relaxed and he eagerly took his seat as suggested._

_"Good, good. It's almost done, I'm just waiting for some print outs from Provenza and we should be finished."_

_"Well you've been more than efficient today, I appreciate that. So I guess there was something else on your mind then?" she said pushing aside the papers on her desk to give him her full attention._

_"Yeah, I won't take up too much of your time but I did want to clear up something - about last night."_

_"Go ahead."_

_"I only really had the chance to explain myself to Nicole. I never got the chance to tell you why this misunderstanding got drawn out so long. The thing is, everything I said to her about trying to be the father she wanted me to be was true, but it wasn't the only reason. _  
><em>If I only wanted you around to impress my family then we would have only spent time with my family. But I liked going to the movies with you, eating popcorn and watching you go all shy when you realised how hard you laughed during the Lego movie, or the time you got frustrated and grunted really loudly during RoboCop - which incidentally you should watch the original which was so much better…"<em>

_Sharon couldn't help smiling at him, and as she recalled she only got frustrated during RoboCop because Andy kept talking to her about what was different in the remake._

_"…my point is, that I don't care what everyone else thinks about you and me. I like you - I really like you, and in case it's not clear I've written it down here."_

_"A letter?" Sharon took the letter he placed in her hands and looked back up at the doe-eyed expression of her friend._

_"I knew I'd mess it up if I tried to say it to you. My stupid mouth is what got me in this mess in the first place. If you want me to leave you alone and we go back to just being work colleagues that's ok. If you want to stay friends and keep going on our not-dates then that's great. But if you want to know how I really feel, then read that. It's your choice, I'll go along with whatever you decide and I promise you I will behave, no more bullshit from now on."_

_"You? Behave?" She remarked with a smirk she couldn't hide._

_He didn't have it in him to laugh this time. His eyes hit some place on her desk she couldn't see and while one hand scratched at his head, the other flicked at something on the surface._

_"I can't screw this up again Sharon - I really can't. I…miss you, thinking that I may have to miss you."_

_Sharon lowered her head, trying to make eye contact with him but he still couldn't look up at her._

_"I…um, I'll leave you to it. Once the print outs are done I'll leave the report on your desk and I'll get started with sorting through more of the pictures from Alice's case." _

_He got out of his chair quicker than Sharon expected and she quickly mirrored his action._

_"Ok then. Um Andy…"_

_He turned around to look at her this time and she tilted her head trying to read the expression he was trying to hide._

_"Thank you - for clearing things up. We'll talk again, about this…" She tapped the letter on her desk._

_"…we'll talk about it soon."_

_He nodded his head and left quietly._

* * *

><p>"So, what did the letter say?"<p>

"I haven't read it."

Rusty's shoulders slumped and his eyebrows furrowed.

"But you're going to right? I mean aren't you desperate to see what he's written? If he went to all the effort to write it down it must be worth taking a look."

"I'll read it, eventually."

"So what's stopping you from reading it now?"

"He deceived me Rusty. I know that things have developed since then, but that initial deception still bothers me. He may think that turning this around into something else changes things for us, but it's still quite raw for me, and I'm not ready to have my opinion changed just yet."

"And you know all this from a letter you haven't even read?"

Sharon let go of the breath she had been holding and looked over at Martha the tiny angel figurine sitting there patiently staring back at her.

"Rusty did I ever tell you why I call this particular angel Martha?"

"You named her after an aunt of yours, right?"

"Right, Aunt Martha, she's my little reminder that life doesn't always go according to plan, but that whatever happens we are never without a choice."

* * *

><p><em>Sharon peered through the curtain that divided the lounge and the dining rooms. Her aunt had stopped crying and she seemed to be more consumed with cleaning the silverware then anyone sneaking up on her.<em>

_"You don't need to lurk behind the curtain Sharon. Come, sit with me."_

_Sharon carefully pulled back the curtain, hoping the curtain rings wouldn't smack too noisily against each other._

_"I didn't want to disturb you. I was just - you know, concerned. I've never seen you cry before, I didn't know..."_

_"You didn't know I could? Contrary to popular belief Sharon, having a cheerful disposition does not prevent a person from grief."_

_"I...I didn't think that...I..."_

_"Sit young lady, before you pull out all that lovely hair of yours."_

_"Ok"_

_Sharon sat at the table next to her aunt and picked up a rag and some cutlery. She was grateful to have something to do with her hands while her Aunt looked her over._

_"How old are you now? Almost seventeen right?"_

_Her aunt knew how old she was. She was known for being the only member of the family who kept meticulous records of everyone's birth, deaths and marriages. She had even traced the O'Dwyer family tree all the way back to the 1700s. Sharon sensed this was just her Aunt's way of easing into a conversation she was unsure about._

_"Yeah, seventeen in February."_

_"Have you ever been in love Sharon?"_

_"Love? Huh, ah um, I don't think so. I mean there was this dreamy guy I liked in Trigonometry he has these amazing blue eyes but...I don't think we are talking about the same thing though."_

_Martha smiled at her niece's wide-eyed expression. The girl so young and full of expectations was at least wise enough to know the difference between a crush and something more complicated. She pushed a loose strand of the girl's wild auburn hair back behind her ear and gently stroked the side of her face._

_"You know this house used to be so much smaller. There were never enough draws for the silverware, toys were littered from one end of the house to the other. Your father - my dedicated brother, turned this dining room into a shrine to his precious law books. He had so many books in here, at one stage your older brothers would use them to build forts that he was constantly tripping over. By the time you were born he had put an extension on the house and moved all his books to his office - of course that didn't stop your brothers from building forts out there, but your mother was at least free to fill this room with her own trinkets. The thing is, all the books and all the trinkets don't make a room, it's the people who live here and how they use the room around them that make it special."_

_"I guess, though I prefer the lounge room, a lot more light comes through there - it's kind of dark in here."_

_"It is, but sometimes it's nice to be in the dark you know? Reality isn't always so pleasant."_

_Sharon put down the cutlery she was cleaning and sat a little taller in her chair to meet her Aunt's gaze._

_"I don't know what you mean."_

_"Your uncle is dying Sharon."_

_"What? But you went on holiday to Florida two weeks ago. I saw the photos you both looked so happy - I don't, I don't understand."_

_Martha moved her chair closer to Sharon and held her hand._

_"He's hasn't been well for a while now Sharon, it's just that his condition has escalated recently and today was particularly difficult for me."_

_Sharon shuffled in her seat, she didn't know how to look at her aunt or what to say. She had always loved her aunt and uncle and admired their relationship - even more so than her own parent's. Her uncle was an old fashioned romantic who was always making grand gestures to express his love for her aunt. He was kind and thoughtful and remembered simple things that made her smile. Things like always leaving the last chocolate cookie in the packet for her and making sure her vases were always filled with fresh flowers. _

_"What's happening to him? I mean what's wrong with him?"_

_"He's losing who he is Sharon and it's the most devastating thing I have ever witnessed. He mixes up important details, he gets confused, even angry. It's like he's trapped in his own mind, trying to put together a puzzle he doesn't have a reference for. He's not even dead yet and he's not there. I'm missing him before I get to miss him."_

_She didn't remember her aunt ever being much of a hugger - that was more her uncle's specialty. But she didn't think it mattered any more and decide to risk it. It took a few moments of Sharon gently rubbing the older woman's back for her to loosen, but eventually her shoulders slumped and her arms tightly wrapped around her niece._

_"I'm…I'm so sorry. I just can't imagine what…"_

_Martha pulled back from Sharon and wiped the tears from her eyes. She took Sharon's hand and led her to the lounge room._

_"You know I think you're right, the light is a lot better in here."_

_Martha pulled back the curtains and allowed more of the light to enter the room. She saw Sharon watching her carefully, unsure of what to do but eager to comfort her aunt regardless. Martha led her to the couch and they sat there while Martha became distracted and traced the lines in Sharon's hand._

_"Sharon did I ever tell you the story of how I met your Uncle Daniel?"_

_"I think he once said something to me about a musical."_

_Martha tilted her head to the side, raising her eyebrows and tucking in her bottom lip._

_"Well yes and no. Our story is a little unusual and a little less ideal then what you may have been led to believe."_

_"Oh?"_

_"Daniel had a crush on my sister. In fact you could say he worshipped the ground she walked on- so much so that he dated me just to get close to her."_

_"Oh my God, he really did that? To get close to Aunt Rachel? Really?"_

_"I'm not sure which bit you're more offended by, your uncle's subterfuge or that he liked Aunt Rachel."_

_Sharon tried not to laugh but she couldn't help it._

_"Both I guess, I mean really, what happened?"_

_"I thought he was genuinely interested in me. Our first date was very awkward - we went to see my sister perform as Maria in the local theatre's adaption of The Sound of Music. She was good but she was also obnoxious. She must have known then what I didn't, that he had a crush on her, because she teased him and occupied all his time. I was oblivious to it all, I just saw him and that goofy smile of his and for some reason ignored everything else. Our next few dates we got to know each other a little better without my sister in the picture and I'd never been more happier. After six months of dating I knew we were in love and he stopped seeking out Rachel, which seemed to infuriate her to no end."_

_"So how did you find out the truth?"_

_"Rachel. She was in a particularly spiteful mood one day and blurted it out in front of me, Daniel and all my friends. I was devastated and I didn't speak to him for days."_

_"But you did eventually marry him."_

_"I did, but it wasn't simple how it developed between us. He made a mistake - a really stupid mistake. But we did fall in love and he spent the rest of his…I mean, he has spent his life making it up to me. What I want you to understand Sharon is how fragile, how transitional happiness can be, and that sometimes what develops doesn't always take the right path - but you always have a choice in how the next step is taken." _

* * *

><p>Rusty watched Sharon rest her hand next to her mouth. He knew she was trying not to cry, much like him she didn't like crying in front of anyone. She was looking at the angel again and he didn't know if she was thinking of Martha or Daniel - or maybe both.<p>

"What do you think Aunt Martha would think of your situation with Flynn?"

Sharon raised an eyebrow and took her hand away from her face, smiling at her son.

"I'll have to call her and find out."

"She's still alive?"

"Of course she is Rusty."

"I just thought you named an angel after her because she died."

"No, I named an angel after her because I needed one to watch my back, and she was the toughest one I'd met."

Rusty picked up the angel and looked her over. Her dress was getting old and her wig had seen better days but at least she looked more authentic then some of the other angels he'd seen at the mall.

"Is it enough?" He asked.

"Is what enough?"

"That he makes you happy. Flynn - is it enough that he makes you happy to help you move past this?"

Sharon moved over to her handbag and pulled out the letter that was sitting there. She felt the paper under her fingers and traced her name in the carefully written script across the front of the envelope.

"I don't know - but I guess, I don't want to miss out on knowing."

Sharon picked up her bag and started down the hall.

"Going to bed already?" he asked as she made her way down the hall.

"Not before a little light reading." She replied.

Rusty carefully placed the angel on top of the tree, the rest of the decorations could wait till Ricky and Emily arrived. He stacked the boxes neatly beside the tree and as he placed the last box down he could hear the distinct giggle of Sharon coming from her bedroom.

Maybe happiness is enough, at least for now.


End file.
